Corrections
All about Me
My name is XX. I’m eleven years old and am going to the sixth grade. After [reading] this [essay] (the reader does not know what “this” is), you will know a lot about me.
*These are the things I like to do.* (Not necessary: Delete) I like to play [games] on my computer. *I play a game called* [In] Counter-Strike [insert comma here] *and* you get points by shooting other players. *There is another game called* Diablo 2 *and* [allows] you [to] click on a monster to attack it. *Another one is called* [In] Little Fighter 2 [insert comma here] *and* you move with arrow keys and use button combinations to do special attacks. (Above text corrected to remove redundancy.)
I can type really fast on the computer. I have been typing since I was seven! I was inspired to use computers from my brother. He types really fast and doesn’t make mistakes. I can type about six letters per second but I mess up sometimes.
I also like to play outside. My cousin and I go to our friend’s house to jump on his trampoline! We made up games to play on it [insert semicolon here] that is really fun. *It’s* [“It” is] (“It’s” is confusing because here “it” refers to a noun, not a pronoun. Quote “it” in order to distinguish this fact) a game where whoever is IT has to close his eyes, get on his knees, and try to tag someone. *I jump over him a lot!* (The reader cannot distinguish who “him” is, and thus the sentence is of no relevance.)
I like to go to the pool a lot. My cousin has to bring me because I am too young to get a pool pass into our community pool. Even though he has a pool pass, he only [insert “attends] (lack of verb in sentence) once a week! *But* [However,] (“but” cannot begin a sentence) it’s fun when he goes. I can swim in the deep end really well. I’m able to swim really fast [insert comma here] but I’ll get tired and have to rest for a few seconds. If I did have my own pool pass, I would go to the pool almost every day of summer!
I like to read and write sometimes. I only read Harry Potter and The Series of Unfortunate Events. Harry Potter has six books out in the bookstores, and The Series of Unfortunate Events has eleven. *As you know,* (the reader doesn’t know) [In addition,] I wrote a story called “The Unholy Magic.” It is a fantasy story about some heroes trying to save the world. I am nearly done with my second story.
These are *the* (not necessary: “the” is used when the reader knows what is being referred to) things I don’t like to do. Shopping is not my thing. We have to get in the car for twenty minutes and all I do is get carsick. Then, I just follow my mom around for half an hour and give my feet blisters. After that, we go to a different store [insert comma here] and all I do is run into the magazine section and read comics.
I also don’t like going to my Chinese school. I go there for three hours every Saturday. The whole lesson is so boring. All my class and I do is read a book in Chinese, do a match-it game, and then *does* (not necessary) a word scavenger hunt.
I want to become a surgeon when I grow up. In fifth grade, I got to dissect a frog. I had a person who handed me tools and another partner who wrote down what I did, but I was the one who dissected the frog. I had gotten a female frog because I saw the eggs inside of her body. That was really fun.
Now you know me, how fun I am, how I’m not good at being boring, and how really weird and freaky I am.
Critique
This is a deive essay about the personal life of the writer.
Strengths:
1) The essay is coherent and focuses on the main topic. Each paragraph has an appropriate topic sentence, a good practice. No sentences unrelated to any of the paragraphs or the whole story are observed.
2) The essay is very deive and vivid in detail, painting a clear image in the eyes of the reader.
3) The conclusion is very humorous, lively, and lasting to the reader.
Weaknesses:
1) There are quite a few grammatical errors, including redundancy and run-on sentences. Suggestion: work on some 7th grade grammar workbooks.
Another suggestion to raise the quality of the essay beyond the current grade level is to describe some personal “thoughts” and “viewpoints” regarding various topics. This will give a deeper perception of the writer’s true character.
For a rising 6th grader, this essay is very deive, authentic, and well-written. The only hope for the essay is to work on gramma in the future.
Legend:
*This indicates words to be deleted.*
[This indicates corrected words to be inserted.]
(This indicates an explanation to the correction.)
Here is the original copy of the essay:
______________________________________________________________________________
All about Me
My name is XX. I’m eleven years old and am going to the sixth grade. After this, you will know a lot about me.
These are the things I like to do. I like to play on my computer. I play a game called Counter-Strike and you get points by shooting other players. There is another game called Diablo 2 and you click on a monster to attack it. Another one is called Little Fighter 2 and you move with arrow keys and use button combinations to do special attacks.
I can type really fast on the computer. I have been typing since I was seven! I was inspired to use computers from my brother. He types really fast and doesn’t make mistakes. I can type about six letters per second but I mess up sometimes.
I also like to play outside. My cousin and I go to our friend’s house to jump on his trampoline! We made up games to play on it that is really fun. It’s a game where whoever is IT has to close his eyes, get on his knees, and try to tag someone. I jump over him a lot!
I like to go to the pool a lot. My cousin has to bring me because I am too young to get a pool pass into our community pool. Even though he has a pool pass, he only once a week! But it’s fun when he goes. I can swim in the deep end really well. I’m able to swim really fast but I’ll get tired and have to rest for a few seconds. If I did have my own pool pass, I would go to the pool almost every day of summer!
I like to read and write sometimes. I only read Harry Potter and The Series of Unfortunate Events. Harry Potter has six books out in the bookstores, and The Series of Unfortunate Events has eleven. As you know, I wrote a story called “The Unholy Magic.” It is a fantasy story about some heroes trying to save the world. I am nearly done with my second story.
These are the things I don’t like to do. Shopping is not my thing. We have to get in the car for twenty minutes and all I do is get carsick. Then, I just follow my mom around for half an hour and give my feet blisters. After that, we go to a different store and all I do is run into the magazine section and read comics.
I also don’t like going to my Chinese school. I go there for three hours every Saturday. The whole lesson is so boring. All my class and I do is read a book in Chinese, do a match-it game, and then does a word scavenger hunt.
I want to become a surgeon when I grow up. In fifth grade, I got to dissect a frog. I had a person who handed me tools and another partner who wrote down what I did, but I was the one who dissected the frog. I had gotten a female frog because I saw the eggs inside of her body. That was really fun.
Now you know me, how fun I am, how I’m not good at being boring, and how really weird and freaky I am.
